Wicked Game Transcript

Rhea: When I was operating from a place of I am not good enough, you choose me, then I am worth choosing almost, it means that all your actions are under that microscope. So what I used to always do, I remember second guess or triple think or quadruple plan what I was going to say or do or not do in a moment in order to get my desired outcome. So I was regulating my emotions and my reactions and resisting my truth in order to regulate someone else's emotions and their reactions so that their truth could be what I wanted it to be. That was all just a game. I wasn't being truthful to myself. I wasn't respecting that I was my own person and they were their own person. I was mainly using them as a tool to prop myself up and to source my worthiness from outside of myself.

Liz: Well, it has no integrity because it speaks to our insecurities. The game is manipulation.

Rhea: This would be the outcome.

Liz: The majority of people, they're still stuck in the I need to derive something from this interaction from this particular person. I mean that's really ultimately why people engage in the game, why they participate in the game, why they live by the game. Most don't understand that there is an alternative to the game and why it's a "wicked game" is because it takes us so outside of ourselves. It takes us out of our light when we participate, when we try to manipulate, when we try to extract a desired outcome from someone else who may not even be an ideal partner for us, yet we seem to think that they are.

Rhea: I want you to want me so I am going to act in the way that I believe will ensure that outcome, regardless if it's authentic or not.

Liz: It could just be for sex, could just be to hook up. It could just be because I need somebody for this month. I need somebody for the winter. The intent is not, I respect myself and I respect you. It's you have something I want and you're the person who's going to give it to me.

Rhea: But that's a choice to play in that game.

Liz: Yes, it is. Very much, but if we choose to play in that game, then we are operating from a space of pain because we're operating from all the insecurities that drive us to want to participate in the game in the first place.

Rhea: Because if I am searching for a reaction from you in order to validate my worth, then that search is sourced from a place of believing that I am not good enough.

Liz: I would just hate to see another generation fall into that sort of gladiator style arena where it's survival of the fittest. Whatever it takes to get your desired outcome is what works, right? That sort of Machiavellian practice of if this gets me my goal, then it's worth it.

Rhea: Because a lot of the time, in order to get your desired goal, what you have to do is make the other person feel like crap. That is the game. Make them think they need you. So you're inflicting pain, playing on someone else's insecurities in order to achieve your desired outcome.

Liz: And masking your own insecurities.

Rhea: To do so.

Liz: In the process, yes.

Rhea: I'm going to make you really miss me, so you appreciate me. Instead of being like, in fact the only people I'm attracted to are the ones who are secure in themselves enough to want something healthy.

Liz: And a lot of your own friends are going to be also mirroring that insecurity. It's just one big fat game of disempowerment is really what it is. That's really what underpins the game, which feeds our insecurities, which feeds the self-doubt. So we go to our friends. We consult. We consult with anyone to tell us. I learned pretty early on, which is unless I'm doing whatever the fuck I want, I'm somehow giving my power over to this other person.

Rhea: Exactly.

Liz: And I'm living according to what I think, not even what I know, but what I think they want for me or how they might want me or whatever form I need to be to make them want me.

Rhea: Yeah. And I'm living for their reaction.

Liz: Oh yes.

Rhea: Because it's totally out of integrity because you're going against how you feel by stopping yourself from texting someone, by stopping yourself from seeing someone, by stopping yourself from saying what you want to say. You're again doing the one thing that we know takes you out of your wholeness and takes you out of your own love, which is not giving yourself the space to acknowledge your own feelings.

Liz: The moment you engage it and the other person or persons begin to match that, no one is in integrity. Even if one is a bit more unsuspecting than the other, it doesn't matter. They're still locked into that dynamic and so no one can come from a completely natural or organic space.

Rhea: Seasons 1 and 2 were all about teaching us to just do whatever we want to do. For some reason though, when it comes to romantic love or dating or sex of some kind, we throw all that out the window. It's the first place that it goes.

Liz: Totally does, doesn't it?

Rhea: Because it's where all the rules reside.

Liz: And when we say the rules, they are the: Should I? Do I? Is it okay if? What if I do? What if I don't? When we start to ask those questions of ourselves....

Rhea: Should I text them? Do I call them? Do I meet them? Is it okay if I tell them how I feel? What if I do this? What if I do that? Will they still like me? Will they not still like me?

Liz: What if I don't respond right away? What if I don't sleep with this person? It's about power. And so since season 2, episode 18 we have been harping on our empowerment for a reason, because unless you are in your full power.

Rhea: Personal power.

Liz: Personal power, it is easy to fall susceptible to the game because 3D dating dynamics were always about the game, because ultimately that's what we're trying to mitigate is our hurt. If I do this and if I take all these calculated steps and measures, then I can mitigate the fallout. But as we know, you can't control that because we're not in control of things in that way. Because when we're in 3D, in polarity and separation, we're always taught you cannot be in your own power. Surrender your power. And that's what that means. So in marriage, it's about surrendering a certain amount of power. In relationship, it's about, okay, I have to make this thing work so I'm going to give up a certain amount of my power so we can be together and we don't have problems. We don't clash. When it comes to the game, we're always saying, the more somebody does for me, the more power I have. The more I do for someone else, the more power I have. Either way, you're still struggling for power.

Rhea: I don't understand. The more someone does for me, the more power I have, yes because they are so into me, look at them. They're doing all these things.

Liz: Yes. I just snap my fingers and they're going to do whatever I want.

Rhea: But then the more I do for someone else, the more power I have I don't get.

Liz: I'm going to make sure this person really misses me. So how are you going to make yourself miss-able?

Rhea: Disappear

Liz: Well, you can disappear, but you can also make yourself so indispensable. This person can't live without me because I pay for this or I do this.

Rhea: But that's like kind of this push/pull all the time.

Liz: Always.

Rhea: Cause what you end up getting is that I did this for you, you've texted me, you started the conversation eight times and I've started the conversation seven times so you have to start it again. So otherwise we just won't speak to each other ever again and we're just going to drift off. Who gives a fuck?

Liz: Oh my gosh. That balance sheet must be messy.

Rhea: Yeah. It just gets so tiring. It becomes like push/pull and if someone says to me I missed you, I'm much more likely to soften and say I missed you too. I actually think it's the opposite. Instead of being like should I, do I, what if I do this? What if I do that? Put love into the situation.

Liz: Yeah. I mean ultimately you want to ask yourself, Why don't I?

Rhea: What's stopping me? Is it because I think they're going to reject me? Is it because I don't have confidence in this relationship?

Liz: How will I feel if they reject me? Will I have to face what I think is wrong with me, so therefore I have to face the fact that I've stood in judgment of myself? That there's some area of my life around which I hold shame? Because that's ultimately what we're looking to not have to think about when we're in the game. It's like, well, that's just such a great distraction for me. I don't really have to think about all the areas that I really need to fix in my life. 

If we want to get out of the game, it's ultimately up to us. Not just to choose it, but to write our own rules and as we know in 5D, there's really no such thing as rules. It's about establishing our values and having standards, and they can be the simplest standard. I just need somebody who's going to meet me halfway. I just need somebody who's going to text me back when I text them. I just need somebody who is going to not hate it if I call, or ignore my calls or only contact me on a Friday night when they have nothing better to do. They can be very simple. They don't have to be, I need somebody who's going to... you know, this magnificent person with all these X, Y, Z traits and qualities. We don't have to define them. It's fair for those values or for those standards to evolve as we evolve, to sort of match us in our knowing as we come into our wisdom more. We just don't have to take somebody else's rules and say, well this is what worked for them and then I'm going to adopt this wholesale. And it might work to a certain extent, because it's still somebody else's rules and it's still somebody else's practice. And while it gave them a desired outcome, is it really your desired outcome? And that's where we have to bring it back to ourselves and ask ourselves, what am I looking for? What do I really want? Do I want a partner for life? Do I want the validation that I'm somehow desirable because I feel so unseen? There's so many ways in which we use the game and we use relationship to mirror the insecurities that have nothing to do with relationship.

Rhea: What the game does is it removes authentic communication between partners. One of the key facets of partnership is that authentic communication to be able to say how you feel, and for them to be able to hear you. I cannot tell you the feeling of peace and joy when you tell someone how you feel and they tell you, I hear you and they do something about it. Yes, they might come back and say, Oh, that's not... I didn't see that at all. That's not how I'm feeling. You're too much. Whatever else they want to say, but better you know than live a shadow of yourself. We all have all these stories because we're all hiding what we're truly trying to say, which is I haven't managed this yet. I haven't quite figured this out and I'm really hurting from the fact that I haven't achieved this.

Liz: Because I do desire connection. I just don't know how to go about it.

Rhea: Exactly, and so I'm going to follow all these rules. I'm going to follow the game. I'm going to do what other people seem to be doing that seems to be working, and I'm going to do it that way and I'm going to give people in advance all my excuses that I've told myself about why it hasn't worked and tell them the same thing.

Liz: That's right, and if I don't find myself satisfied, maybe I'll project it on the other person or maybe I'll project it on myself and say that it still reinforces that same story. It's all my fault. I must be the common denominator.

Rhea: Exactly. The only thing you can really do if you desire a connection with someone, whether it be for a night, a week, a month or forever, is to be authentic with yourself. Give yourself the space to have those feelings. Have the courage and the vulnerability to share with someone else.

Liz: Completely.

Rhea: And understand that that is the basis for connection.

Liz: What are your own rules? What are your standards and your values? Those are the ones that we need to define for ourselves first.

Rhea: Things like makes me feel secure, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel that I am authentic and whole. That's your responsibility. That's not their responsibility ever.

Liz: No.

Rhea: If you're projecting that shit onto them, that's further disempowering yourself.

Liz: Oh, and that would definitely never work. That's a recipe for complete disaster.

Rhea: Total. You know, the kind of thing we're talking about are things like is able to be open and honest with me, when faced with a conflict does not shut down.

Liz: We're not trying to write the story of the relationship we don't have, or the person who hasn't entered our lives, or the person who is right there in the wings who's kind of stepping in and out or whatever. We're not writing a list for them that they have to learn to live by. It's for us. Who do we want ourselves to be? How do we see ourselves?

Rhea: It's about defining how we will operate within the romantic dating relationship sphere.

Liz: Exactly.

Rhea: Not how someone else will operate in accordance to us.

Liz: Exactly.

Rhea: Just what we will and will not accept of ourselves.

Liz: I know I'm an honest person, so this is how I choose to live my life. Simply, honestly, with integrity. I don't fuck around. I don't play games. That's my standard. Those are my values. I'm not saying a person needs to be X, Y, Z things.

Rhea: So when I say I know what it's like to feel split, to have my mind and my heart battle each other, trying to convince one or the other to manipulate and move in some way, or to say a certain thing or act a certain way in order to get a desired outcome.

Liz: Yes.

Rhea: So I know how that feels and I hate every second of it and I don't want to do that again.

Liz: That's right.

Rhea: So for me, my value is that I will always give myself the space to feel whatever I'm feeling and act accordingly.

Liz: Yes, people seem to get lost in that. I need these qualities in this person. If you have those qualities in yourself, that's all that matters because if you know yourself well, the rest is just a given.