Find Your Love

Liz: I may have alluded to this before in a previous episode, but I found it really challenging to come out of the spiritual closet, but it wasn't just the spiritual closet. It was also the other closet. It was just being me really. I wrote 15 books under a pen name because I didn't want to own the fact that I wrote about sex.

Rhea: For me, it wasn't so much a thing as in like an action. It was more about my being, because there were certain parts of me that I always thought were not okay and were judged. So, I was too soft on people. I was too kind. I always kind of hoped for the best, you know, like....

Liz: I love it. For me, I was always too loud. I was too much myself. I was such an extrovert. I mean, those were my issues.

Rhea: My issues where I'm too soft. I'm too kind. I'm too fantastical. I live in my head. The joke was always is Rhea going to fall off her unicorn? The world isn't as good as she thinks.

Liz: My God, that sounds like amazing things. For me, I swore too much.

Rhea: No, actually, you know what? You say that, but actually it was doubly as hard because first of all...

Liz: Are going to really compare?

Rhea: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But in the sense that I was locked into my karmic story, so what I hoped would happen never did actually happen. I always was brought crashing down to reality as it were, because if there were two outcomes, one let's say more positive or one let's say more negative, the negative one always happened. So I started to believe that my kind of more happy go lucky attitude in some respects or my more...it's not even happy-go-lucky, but my more fairytale attitude was something to be very embarrassed and ashamed of. And so, I went the other way and started assuming that everything went bad. And I think that's really a core of my lot of my fears of it's always good until it gets bad, was very much the idea that I could pretend it was good, but it would eventually turn out to be bad. And as I've kind of done more of my work and transcended a lot more of my shit, I've started to see that maybe I wasn't wrong after all, that actually sometimes things can work out and not only can they work out, they can work out better than you ever expected them to work out. That you couldn't have designed it any better in the weirdest ways possible. But even so it's not easy to be myself and to stay true to my belief system, stay true to my values and my principles because I find the world around me wants to keep shutting them off. 

So even now at this time where coming out of every closet seems more possible and really embracing ourselves seems much more possible, it does kind of feel that it's also - because there's so much judgment and shame being flung about at the same time - it does feel also just as hard. And I find that sometimes I still hide behind certain personas or certain filters in order to make other people find me more palatable, whether or not I know that that at my core is who I am or what I am, if that makes sense.

Liz: Oh yeah. I did that as well for a long time actually. And again, it wasn't just the spiritual closet. It was just all my other shit that made me think that I wasn't good enough or that I needed to make myself palatable to other people so that I could know that I was palatable at all.

Rhea: It does feel like judgment and separation really play to this a lot though, because I don't know if I would have been like that if it weren't for separation and the judgment and the fear of it all.

Liz: Yeah, and I wasn't like that for a long time until I started recognizing the consequences for it, and I thought well, these consequences are hurting me like getting kicked out of my school or whatever, then maybe there is something wrong with me. And it becomes harder and harder to exist outside of that closet the more judgment you face.

Rhea: Cause it's not so much - and I know we spoke about this at another episode a while ago, sometimes being an outlier, you feel you have to embrace all aspects of an outlier. And so it almost becomes your normal and your abnormality as it were.

Liz: So coming out of the closet, that experience of however we do it, I mean there's the conventional coming out of the closet term which applies to our sexuality, but it really does apply to anything that we have held in secret. In order to be myself so that I can be happier, I can be more fulfilled, I need to begin to be honest with myself and about myself and this is me

Rhea: When I think about how I got honest or to learn who I was, it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to have a better relationship with myself. It was definitely because I wanted to have a better relationship with other people. You know, I wanted to have different relationships than I'd had in the past, more kind of wholesome whole ones, but I didn't even think I fully understood what that meant or what that entailed. I do think that it was mostly fear that was kind of motivating me to change.

Liz: Fear can be a decent motivator like that when it does get us moving.

Rhea: Exactly. And I think that as time went on and I started coming to the truth by shedding all my crap, it started becoming abundantly clear very late on in the game, to be honest, that it was never about someone else at all. I mean, when you say very late on in the game, we're talking like three years down the line.

Liz: I think that's a bit of an exaggeration because you don't tell time well anyway, so ...maybe halfway through that process

Rhea: You know, it was very much the fact that … honestly, I'd say Italy, you know when it really became very clear to me that the partner I was looking for was myself. The relationship that I so desperately wanted to have with other people I had to have with myself first. And then once that's solidified and I had partnered with myself and I had been myself and I'd learned to love myself, then it didn't really matter who else came into my life. Now when I know I need to change something or I need to grow up or things need to move forward again because as you say, we are always here to grow and to evolve. And as I say, we have for things to get better and better, it is very much that that change now doesn't come from, if I do this, someone else will choose me. It's more if I do this, then I can keep choosing myself.

Liz: Because the former example that you gave of someone else choosing you is really just fear-based, right?

Rhea: And it's powerless.

Liz: Yeah. So you not in your power and then hoping somebody will save you and then reassure you that you are somehow worthy and lovable, whatever your karmic story tells you.

Rhea: Yeah. So with those two choices, the difference was choosing something out of fear or choosing something out of love. Because when you are doing something in order for someone else to save you, to fix you, to choose you, to partner with you, whatever it may be, it's a fear-based choice because I can't live without you effectively. I can't survive without you. I need you for my joy. I need you for my desires, whatever it may be. But when you're making a choice because you want to continue choosing yourself, that is a choice made out of love. So whilst in previous episodes we've been discussing a lot about choice and responsibility, I think really it fundamentally comes down to, are we making a choice out of love or are we making a choice out of fear?

Liz: All we've ever known were choices that were born out of fear. Being able to make a choice that is born out of love which is really our light, which comes from a place of empowerment has never been done before. Because third dimensional consciousness is rooted entirely in fear because fear is what forces us to separate, right?

Rhea: Yeah. And it was what allowed governments to rule over us, religion to control us, families to ask us to be a certain way, and relationships to sacrifice. It was all fear. But funnily enough, it was all under the guise of love and not love the way we know love to be, but love in the sense of it was more I will withdraw love rather than I will bestow love, you know what I mean? Love became a currency

Liz: In order to receive love, in order to be cared for, in order to be part of this loving unit, then you need to sacrifice part of yourself in order to belong.

Rhea: So love was pain. And that is why so many of us have had this very strong link between the two. If I love you, then you can hurt me. If I love you, then I owe you and you owe me. Love became very transactional and very damaging.

Liz: Very distorted. I mean, to show you I love you, I will give up something

Rhea: And you know what the irony of it all is - and it's very abundantly clear to me now, is it as much as I wanted a relationship at that time, I was also a massive commitment-phobe.

Liz: That's so like you, Rhea. Honestly, you are so all or nothing. It's always like one end or the other end of the spectrum.

Rhea: But I was. Because at the end of the day, I wanted love. I wanted love as we know it now to be, but because that love didn't exist in even my mind's eye as an option, as a reality, I didn't want any more of "the love" that was being doled out, which all felt very conditional.

Liz: The kind of love that you knew or that you understood it to be.

Rhea: Exactly.

Liz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rhea: It may be. It may be...

Liz: But I don't want it like that.

Rhea: No. So I'm going to want it, but then it's going to feel like that and I'm going to go back and I felt I was constantly kind of pinging between the two, but I did feel that the more we started transcending all the crap and the more I started burning out my fear, and when we talk about burning out our fear, what we mean there is seeing what we're really scared of and then finding out it was nothing to really be scared of it in the first place.

Liz: Exactly. And then being able to then live fearlessly.

Rhea: Yeah. Because whatever happens, we'll be okay.

Liz: Exactly.

Rhea: Even death.

Liz: To see that you're still standing somehow.

Rhea: Somewhere.

Liz: Exactly. Even if it's on the other side. But the other side is really like not the other side. It is just another form of our existence.

Rhea: Exactly. So, whatev’s? But as we kind of burn out that fear then, what I found that remains is love. But the one thing that I sometimes struggle with is how do I use that love to serve me?

Liz: So, if Love is the act of shining our light for the world to see as we defined it in Season 3, when we use the phrase "in love", what's effectively happening is that love that we are, that light that we are is just radiating out. We can direct that light...,

Rhea: Onto someone.

Liz: Which is effectively how we would use our divine power or self-empowerment, as we talked about personal power in the previous episode. And so it's as if we're beacons of light. Now I really want to put this in other terms. I'm just spouting that out just to kind of like get moving in my brain. I'm just trying to understand that. So yes, Rhea, you can direct that light at another person, but your light does not get to replace their light. So your light cannot be used as the light that would be enough for a relationship. I love you and therefore we'll just use my light because you don't have to love me fully back. Does that make sense?

Rhea: If Love is the act of shining our light for the world to see, when we feel love we just feel light. We feel like we emanate light. How the fuck can we direct that light? Surely that light is just coming out of us.

Liz: Yes. Well, first of all, you direct it with intention, and it's difficult to explain because this is actually something we probably should have started the episode with. This will likely go over your head because it's not something that the mind can really grasp or contextualize because it is truly an experience and one that is born from the spiritual body. And this is us just trying to be able to put words to it cause it's not that simple so we're just as confused trying to talk about it. As people listening might feel a little confused, we find it a little confusing. We're really trying hard to ground this. So we're just going to keep going and then maybe in the second round by full circle, we'll be able to explain it because it is a very simple thing. In the spiritual body, it really is something that is so born out of our Point of Essence, it's instantaneous.

Rhea: Am I doing it now?

Liz: What'd you do?

Rhea: Okay. I can do it.

Liz: Okay. What are you doing?

Rhea: I thought about that love and then I was it. I was it; I was that love and then that was it. But then sometimes I can think of someone else and think about how much I love them, and the same thing happens.

Liz: Ooh, that's a nice idea.

Rhea: Or I can think about how much I love my work and the same thing happens. It's just when I feel like I really, really love something and then I'll feel like even though I don't need anything back from you, I think I really love you and I just feel like I'm shining like this light on you because I love you. And then I think about recording the podcast and I'd be like I'm really enjoying recording the podcast. I just feel like I'm shining this light of love on the podcast. I don't really understand it or what I'm doing or what the point of it is, but I can think I can do it.

Liz: Okay. So interesting when you direct that light on a particular person.

Rhea: Do they feel it?

Liz: They'll feel it,

Rhea: But they wouldn't know it's from you?

Liz: Not necessarily. I mean, they could. Maybe you'll pop into their head and they won't know why. So why does this episode have to come after talking about the inescapable bitch called karma? A lot of people's fears and karma has have really gotten in the way. A lot of people in order to grow up and need more. We're here to become other people. We're here to change and evolve and grow to the extent that we are not meant to be the people we are today 15 to 20 years from now. There's no reason to be. If we are, then it's because we are fucking scared to grow up and change.

Rhea: And changing can be for the better?

Liz: That's all we're talking about is changing in the direction of our growth and evolution and spiritual maturity. Not changing so that other people will like us or think we're cool or be in relationship with us. That's not the point.

Rhea: No. Changing is so we're happier people.

Liz: Yeah, I don't often use the term "change" because I think it's often seen as something kind of negative and that's why we often say growth. To grow and evolve, that's really what we're here for.

Rhea: But they kind of feel sometimes like these growths and evolves feel like dark, difficult times.

Liz: It's the shadow work we do in the beginning of our evolutionary process. I mean really when you look at where you are today versus where you started, it's important to have those times. It's important sometimes to go to the deep point where you lose your light. Doesn't mean that light has disappeared for good. It's really that the light needed to disappear because you needed to go that far deep because you needed to get away from your ego. The ego, which is the place that holds all of our fears. And when you are in your light and you are experiencing love, it is really difficult to do that because you're going to see a lot of the positives. You're going to be sort of the optimistic, unicorn-riding Rhea so you're going to want to sort of paint a rainbow over certain things and you can't do that, not when you're sort of going into this deeper work. This deeper work means You have to be so fucking honest and clear and see everything for what it is, and it is hard and it's painful.

Rhea: Do I have to do it again?

Liz: No, you cannot. No, you don't have to, but you cannot have a filter around that. The same filter that allowed you to cope with all of your painful shit. We have to go dark and it has taken you how many years to get there. I mean, it takes several years at least really to work through our karmic story and subsequent shame.

Rhea: And not like it's all the time.

Liz: No, no, no. I mean, we're not here to be monks. We're not here to go away for several years and heal our shit, and then come back into the real world. We're doing this as we exist in the real world.

Rhea: So I will have nice times and not nice times and nice times, which to be honest is only life as we've only always known it. That hasn't changed anything. If anything, we're just doing it properly so that we can have less not-nice times and more nice times. I don't know how else to say it.

Liz: Yeah. And in the process, we're meant to take the night off and sometimes go dancing and sometimes hang out with our friends. We're not really meant to be doing this 24/7 for several years. It just doesn't. That would just be so boring. It's like how many more times can I talk about my shit? 

Rhea: And as you said in the last episode, we probably implode. It's way too much.

Liz: Yeah. That's why we need to go and have fun too. It's effectively what our rites of passage stories are. We have to have our hearts broken in order to grow up.

Rhea: You’ve said that a lot. Your heart has to ... you said it in the podcast. You break your heart open and it fucking hurts. Because on the top is all the pain that you've been ignoring, so you've got to go through that first and then you can get to the nice stuff that's waiting underneath.

Liz: You call it nice stuff.

Rhea: You call it normal stuff?

Liz: I just call it stuff.

Rhea: Yeah. Isn't that fucking 3D?

Liz: Haven't we been living in 3D for a long time?

Rhea: So, in 5D that's not the case? So my children won't have to have their hearts broken open to learn how to be happy?

Liz: They will likely experience disappointments, but they shouldn't be the soul crushing kind, not if we've taught them and prepared them for the world. The reason why in 3D we needed to have our hearts broken open is because our emotional range is very limited. In order for us to grow and evolve and to expand that range of emotion, it needed to be opened up in order to adapt it to a higher frequency. Higher frequency, meaning a love that is somehow greater, if you will. So when a heart is broken open, as in a person is forced open emotionally, more light can enter because their consciousness is forced to expand. Oh, the world as I saw it, there's actually more to it

Rhea: And you're healing all these breaks from your heart? The only way you can heal the breaks from the heart is to see that they're there, which means you are being triggered by external things around you, or internal things to show you where the cracks are so you can heal the cracks.

Liz: We're coming to a point in our evolution where we don't have to keep working, as in analyzing everything to death. The point is to become decisive, to know ourselves to the point where we get it. I see that this is not healthy for me. I don't need to engage with it.

Rhea: So when you say I can see this is not healthy for me, I don't need to engage with it, it's not necessarily the experience, it's also the thought?

Liz: The thought, yeah. That's what I mean. That's what I meant.

Rhea: What do you do then?

Liz: Yeah, good question. Where can I put love into it, but isn't that often your solution? Where can I put love into it? Where's the love? Where's the love missing from here? Is it love that I need to direct towards myself? Is it love that I need to direct towards this relationship in order to heal something that it's mirroring in me so that I can look at myself more wholly? There are so many ways to look at it, but it really is where does this situation lack love. And we have these experiences that break us open. What we're getting in that experience through the heartbreak is not just the greater range in our emotions, but in our knowing. For lack of a better word, our wisdom. So when those lessons are fully integrated, we can no longer be who we are. We're not children anymore. We are forced to become adults. And it's in that adult space that we become greater beings than we've ever known. And it is that knowing, that wisdom that allows us to really begin to grasp our soul's existence. And when we can really begin to understand the existence of our souls, that there's something more to us than we've ever known, then that makes way for spirit. You don't have to believe in something like spirit to grasp this. It's really just connecting to you in the largest sense possible, that there's something more to you than you know. When we can truly embody spirit, it just means that anything is possible because we're going to be operating from our fullest power. All of our knowing and hope are just firing on all cylinders. And that's when Oneness is possible and that's when Oneness is enabled. It's quite an evolution to be able to get to what we're talking about here versus where we are right now.

Rhea: We're not even someone who's owning that power, making choices from a place of love. We're someone who lives in love and as you described it, is basically high all the time on love and feels like this incredibly powerful, incredibly amazing, yummy person.

Liz: Yeah.

Rhea: So basically, what they're saying is that there's more to just being fine. There's more to just being healed. There is being healed and loving it.

Liz: And being able to exist in a state of Oneness with others from that place. Fine is one thing; healed is another thing. Being in love is a whole other thing, and then adding spirit to all of that really brings us into another state of being that we've never experienced before.

Rhea: So it's about feeling in love all the time.