Lovesong

Rhea: One thing that the lock down, I think really intensified for many people was the relationships that weren't working. And there were a lot of memes kind of going about about divorce lawyers counting their money. When people put lock down in place, there were a lot of ... I mean, I had a lot of friends, a lot of people I knew all of a sudden started talking about how everyone was just getting on each other's nerves, and it was really bringing up all the discord in partnership. And I think a lot of people having spent a month or two in that space really started questioning whether or not their partnerships made sense anymore.

Liz: They likely had already been questioning them, but it was certainly in their faces this time.

Rhea: All those coping mechanisms that you tend to have, whether it is your lovers, your friends, your work, your drinking, drugs, whatever it is, whatever coping mechanisms you've been using to kind of hide away from your fears, to hide away from the things that you want to avoid by focusing on something else, a lot of them got stripped away. And especially when it came to partnership and relationship, you were in the same physical space as the person that you were committed to constantly, so there was no more running away. And so all those issues that were little niggles, all those issues that you were kind of avoiding all came up. Is this something that I still want to be in? Is this something that still works for me, or have we grown apart? Are we no longer, or were we ever right for each other?

Liz: There are people who have an incredible capacity for denial.

Rhea: Oh, I had a great capacity for denial for so long because I wasn't allowing any of my emotions. So definitely when you look at emotions as something that has to be managed, rather than something that's indicating to you your state of being and how you're feeling, you tend to shove them down so that denial becomes second nature almost in many ways. I think some people might feel so entrenched in their relationships, in their habits, whether it's a codependent situation or whether it's just a habitual situation, is that the idea of changing it up in any way, or the idea of leaving it or the idea of breaking your family, or the idea of just a fundamental, huge change in their lives will keep them in denial because the fear of the other side is too scary.

Liz: Of the unknown. When we looked at... I mean really in terms of the order of these episodes is 'Oh, now I understand why we had to look at what is love really'. Oh, now I understand why we play games, and I understand why we had to understand what gets us into situations and situationships.

Rhea: Well, it's all fear.

Liz: It's all fear, and I can understand why then I look to use sex as a weapon or a tool to manipulate. I can understand that I look to somebody who has a lot of money and think that they're going to be the ones to give me security in this lifetime. And so as we start to really unpick all of those themes and episodes, and we get to this, which is, is that what relationship really is about, especially long term partnership? Is it about our safety and security because there's still this notion of marriage is supposed to be forever. Yeah, we're still carrying around the, 'if my marriage doesn't last, it's my fault'.

Rhea: I failed.

Liz: Or there's shame. Yeah. I failed at something and therefore I should be ashamed. There's something wrong with me. So people have been having to confront the fact that they've been sticking out a variety of relationships and why. And of course we understand the root of all of it is I am not good enough. I'm not good enough to stand on my own. I'm not good enough to have my needs and my wants met. I am not good enough to be able to provide for myself. You know, we're confronting that story in so many ways, and as we were discussing how they come through in all types of relationships, now we're really having to unpick, what is it about marriage that works for some and not others? And can we get to the point where we can start giving ourselves permission to say, it's okay that this isn't working for me.

Rhea: We know for a fact now that there are many different ones at different stages of our lives. We know that there are the ones that are here to break us open. They're the ones that are here to show us a new way of love. They're the ones that are here to teach us how we love ourselves. And they're the ones that are here to love us and help us see how lovable we are. There were so many different ones and yes, there might be one at the end to grow, who continues to grow with us and stays around longer and maybe for the rest of our lives. But it doesn't mean that the one for now is going to be the one forever now.

Liz: And there's no guarantee either, and that's what we're having to really understand. And as we get used to uncertainty, we also get used to uncertainty in relationship, and that's what we're really having to play with right now, and we'll go into that in a minute. I just wanted to go back to the myth of 'The One.'

Rhea: Okay.

Liz: Because one thing that we didn't say in the video that we recorded when I talked about relationships being disposable is because of the myth of The One. You're not The One, I'm done with you. But when we're always chasing the idea of The One, we end up seeing people as players in that game, not as real people.

Rhea: So whether or not they're The One for you forever, they're The One for you for right now.

Liz: Yeah.

Rhea: And that's really all that matters, because you don't know what forever is going to look like. And I think that's partly why we're talking about this now is that we are seeing what happens when someone banks on forever when it's not necessarily forever. This is the flip side of it. So on one side, it's the, Oh, you're not The One. I move on straight from you. I'll find someone else who I maybe will trauma bond with, or I'll fall in love with, but I'll make them forever because that's what I get told to do.

Liz: Absolutely. That I am convinced that all of this searching is not going to be in vain because I'm going to have somebody who's going to validate my existence and be with me for better or worse.

Rhea: Yeah, exactly. And then at the end of the day, years on when you're staring at each other and you're like, 'fuck, if you're not The One, then it means that someone else has to be The One. But then I thought you were The One. And because I thought you were The One, if I leave you, then I can't trust myself to make any decisions about the One.'.

Liz: I was wrong. And what does that mean if I'm wrong? Am I wrong about everything else?

Rhea: I'm not good enough and I'm wrong about everything else when really, it's just the way we're looking at relationships are skewed.

Liz: Very much.

Rhea: Because if you look at your life as a growth plan, as it were, you're meeting different people along the way that are going to help bring you back to yourself in different ways. And there might be people who stick around for a bunch of years because you're both growing together. You're both learning together. And there might be people who come in for a month. There might be people who come in for nine months. There might be people who come in forever, but at the end of the day, unless you're able to be flexible with yourself and with that person, saying it works now. And even if it is I love this person, I want to spend the rest of my life with them so I make that commitment to then, if it doesn't end up working, then it's okay to question it because actually I believe also just questioning it sometimes is enough. Because once you give yourself the freedom to decide whether or not you want to stick around, then you know you're making a choice to stick around. If you don't have the freedom in the first place to choose, then you'll kind of staying with someone anyway. So I think that's even more important is that sometimes it's just about giving yourself the permission to know, do I want to leave? Is this something I want, or is this something I don't? Because if I choose that I do want this, then I know I've made that decision, not from a place of fear, but I've made that decision because I still want to be here for a bit longer, but I know that it's okay if I choose not to be as well.

Liz: In third dimensional consciousness where partnership was almost necessary for our survival, it has carried us. So it is important I think, just to acknowledge that and sort of give it space and #gratitude for what it's brought, because of course, partnership is all about stability in a scary and unstable world. So the more of our 3D consciousness is going away, the more of that that has crumbled, the less wiring we have for safety and security. The more of us are going to kind of look at marriage and commitment, like lifelong commitment and be like, is that really for me? And there will be a lot of people who are going to answer ‘no’.

Rhea: As I've been divesting myself of fear after fear after fear, I suddenly started to really understand what partnership was, and this is the first time I see it. I see it because it's about two individuals who are not sacrificing themselves for each other, who are supporting each other, choosing each other and allowing that light to grow, not diminish. And I can understand why so many people choose marriage for the other reasons. I would have. And I can understand why so many people, once in marriages don't want to leave. And I can also understand why younger generations who haven't necessarily grown up being told that they're not good enough consistently, who have been more empowered in many ways, seeing marriage as something that will strip them away of that light that they have cultivated. And I see that and I see this new paradigm, hopefully coming out where people are choosing each other for who they really are, and staying with them because they choose to be with them. Not because someone else told them to. And it's funny I never saw this before, but it gives me hope.

Liz: Very much, because it's not about this. It's not about the prenup. It's not about we have to be together because we can't afford to be apart. My husband and I, we did joke once we couldn't even afford to be divorced.

Rhea: Which makes sense.

Liz: We couldn't afford two households. It's like, what?

Rhea: But at the same time, I choose to be with you because I know who I am. I know who you are. And it makes sense. It makes sense because I know who I am, not I've given myself to you, and in return you tell me who I am. Yeah. Because you tell me who I am. Yeah.

Liz: Yeah, or this partnership defines us. It gives me some identity.

Rhea: A partnership should be a reflection of you, but it should never be a definition of you.

Liz: No. Ever. When you're really coming to understand what partnership is, you have to look at it in all the different facets.

Rhea: Interesting.

Liz: To really grasp it and once you do, it clicks because when we're in real partnership with ourselves and we have to understand all of our different facets. And it takes going dark. It takes looking at our shadow. It takes looking at our strengths. It takes embracing our limitations. So when we've done all that for ourselves, we can do that for someone else. We can do that when partnership really is part of our path. While some might have been able to take the opportunity to grow - like you, if you will - you've done a ton of work on yourself, really self-focused these past couple of years, you might encounter somebody who may not have gotten there entirely. So it might be you'll need to hold space for them to grow. And depending on how willing they are, that might determine how easy things will be in the early stages. Are you going to be wanting to throw in the towel just because they don't suit you, or do you really have a sense that no, I know this is right so we'll see this through? My husband and I, we gave each other space for different reasons. I provided the emotional and spiritual stability that he needed because he was having to provide and do and work. He really couldn't do that for himself in his adult years. And what he gave me space to do was to come into that kind of adulthood that I hadn't been in a position to do for myself, because I had always been coddled and taken care of and provided for. And so we complemented each other like that. So we each gave each other space to grow.

Rhea: Yeah, definitely. A lot of my partners have been very different from me in terms of the amount of fear they carry, the amount of spiritual and emotional growth they've done, but I think the more you grow in that respect, the more you're able to hold space for the other person. And the more you're able to not take it personally and to full circle it, you don't take it as personally if the relationship then doesn't work, and that's why to bring it back to breakups and what we've been talking about in this episode, it's okay to have that choice. It's okay to leave things peacefully. It's okay to love someone, but know that you don't serve each other by being together. Once you're in a place where you're able to see that not every relationship is a direct reflection of your worth, it becomes a lot easier to enjoy them. It becomes a lot easier to let them come in and to allow them.

Liz: And it also allows you to see them for who they really are.

Rhea: Oh my God, yes. Totally.

Liz: But in a way where then it's not about my ego being fed.

Rhea: No.

Liz: Right. And so that's what allows that to also be fluid because you'll see better. Does this really suit me or not? Because so often we take so long to really determine a partner’s suitability, or to determine compatibility because our egos keep blinding us to it.

Rhea: He's got good money. He's got a good face. He's got a good house. He's got this stuff. Does he have a good heart, and does it match mine? What is his purpose?

Liz: Yeah. But we've been conditioned to barely scratch the surface. We use all those sort of 3D markers to determine a person's worth.

Rhea: So instead of it being forever and a day, what really it is, is forever and by day.