Self Control

Rhea: The world feels to be built for couples and built for relationships. So I think when you're single at whatever age, people assume that there's something wrong with you. It carries a huge degree of shame.

Liz: Yes.

Rhea: And yes, there's less of a stigma now. You know, people are like . . .

Liz: I choose my singledom.

Rhea: All that crap.

Liz: Self-partnering.

Rhea: But even, you know, which again annoys me because it's like, you're putting another label on it. Can't you just be?

Liz: Just live already.

Rhea: And there are more single people at an older age and all the rest of it, but generally the world is built for twos. So it's very hard when you're being asked spiritually, emotionally, mentally to not settle, to not compromise, to find a partner who is in line with you and who matches you and who fits you because the options are very slim, right?

Liz: They are, as we've been discussing.

Rhea: Exactly.

Liz: The more you know yourself, the closer you are to your purpose. Damn, those numbers go down.

Rhea: Exactly. So when you're put in those positions, but at the same time, you're still living in a world which is built for two, being single really feels like a failure that I don't think people really acknowledge.

Liz: Everything is a choice, right? In the grand scheme of our fate and life, things are a choice. But when we feel that we are in a situation we really don't want to be in, and yet we don't know how to get out of it and it feels out of our control or it feels somehow something we can't do otherwise, we start to build our self-esteem around it as a choice.

Rhea: There are people out there who truly want to be single and who don't want the responsibility of a relationship or who would prefer to have a smattering of sexual partners and generally live their life alone.

Liz: Yeah.

Rhea: And for them, that's great, but you cannot deny that there is a group of people out there who are single who don't want to be, and whether or not that's because society has told them that they shouldn't be, or whether or not in their hearts they feel like they don't want to be, it doesn't matter because ultimately there is a whole group of people out there who are yearning for something more and they can't seem to find it for whatever reason. That is probably one of the real core reasons why a lot of this shit has happened - situationships, unrequited love, settling, compromise, all that stuff. It's happening because on a fundamental level, a lot of people don't want to be alone and to choose to not do all of that often means that you are.

Liz: Yeah.

Rhea: It's a double-edged sword. On one side, you're sacrificing your yearning and desire for partnership. And on the other side, you're sacrificing a bit of yourself in order to get it. So it's this catch-22 that so many of us are stuck in.

Liz: Because in third dimensional consciousness or lack of consciousness and separation, it has always been that way, where in order to get what I want, I have to compromise and sacrifice. Cause we've discussed compromise is one thing, sacrifice and settling is another, but it really is the 'okay, if I don't settle, then I will be alone'.

Rhea: And I understand that going from relationship to relationship and never being single is just as damaging as being perpetually single in some ways, ‘cause I think we all need the opportunity to find out who we are by ourselves. You know we've been big proponents of 'don't settle, don't sacrifice', but where does sex fall into that equation then?

Liz: I know, right?

Rhea: When you start knowing yourself more and the options for partnerships slim down, it also feels like a by-product of that is that the options for sex also slims down too.

Liz: Because we talk about having deeper connections to ourselves. And so we say, well, it's important to make sure you have a deep connection to your partner or it helps. It's not essential. We never said that.

Rhea: No, no, we never did but we talk about having a deep connection to yourself, being able to own your sexual desires and all the rest of it.

Liz: Very much.

Rhea: But in doing so, often that brings a level of discernment to your partners.

Liz: If we are unable to come into a healthy sexual relationship with ourselves and with other people, what do you have left?

Rhea: As long as there is no power imbalance and it's a choice for two people to enjoy one another, there's nothing wrong with sex. And of course, in a relationship or the more you sleep with somebody, the better it can get. So there's a lot to be said for monogamous sexual relationships, aside from the emotional, etcetera partnership part of it, because you know how we talked about how sex raises your vibration and how sex makes you more connected to the divine. It makes you feel better.

Liz: It is so powerful. So powerful.

Rhea: It's so great for you in so many ways. But funnily enough, the people who potentially need it the most are the ones who are alone. How do we get to a place where you can still have a healthy sexual relationship whilst waiting to meet the right person for you?

Liz: But no one should be expected to be celibate. And it's such a complicated thing because we're sold this idea that the no-strings attached, the friends with benefits thing is really unhealthy, because I mean that's often sort of the situationship which we discussed. And then again, because there's that emotional imbalance. But where does it come in if two people can really just have a mutual desire for one another, or just a mutual desire for sex and then just decide that you'll do, and it's not necessarily settling? It's the 'I know I want something, but I'm not getting it'. Does that mean I need to not have sex for the next year? And it's perfectly okay to engage in that kind of relationship. We would never say don't ever, because that is not allowing us to access parts of ourselves that the longer they lie dormant, the less connected we might feel. But we've often discussed how sometimes that means because you know, through orgasm and through that kind of physical connection, it could heighten our sense of love and then trick us into thinking we really love the other person and then things get really messy.

Rhea: Does that apply to men and women or just women?

Liz: Both. But I think in general through conditioning, men have been able to detach from that a bit more. Admittedly, sex can be sweeter or more interesting or more enjoyable if we feel somewhat vulnerable so that there is an emotional connection, but it can just be that we really, really want it, and that there's somebody really attractive in our line of sight and they just might do.

Rhea: And that doesn't mean you're any less worthy or any less special. The question then to ask is when am I not being myself? So when am I having feelings for someone and not telling them because I'm scared they're going to go away? When am I not owning how I really feel because I'm scared that this will change and I will lose it?. Where am I not free?

Liz: Or: Where I'm writing a story around this in order to justify this is what I want. So sex really does help bring about divine connection. But when we really cannot, for whatever reason, find another partner, it shouldn't stop us from really exploring ourselves. There was this message I saw on social media a while ago, about how even masturbation, too much isn't great because that sexual energy really needs to be channelled elsewhere. You're just giving it all away instead of using it to manifest or whatever. And I was like, are you kidding? Sometimes the more you do it, the better you feel, the more alive you feel, the more purpose driven you can begin to feel. Please! People, actually just do it if you can. Do that if you have an urge, as opposed to stifling the urge.

Rhea: And feeling sorry for yourself that you can't let it out.

Liz: Right. Having that relationship to yourself actually makes your time with your partner even better. People tend to forget that. They think, well ‘I should be saving it for them’. ‘I should be only sharing with them’. And I'm like, but it's not for them. Your sexuality was never for them to begin with. It was always for yourself. And so when things get stale or they stagnate in relationship, or the desire is like the 3rd thing or 10th thing on your list of things to experience in the day cause you're stressed out, and sometimes it just brings you back to yourself and it reminds you I am a sexual being. I find myself sexually attractive.

Rhea: Oh, interesting. I never thought of that.

Liz: Because we always, it gets to a point where you might think, well, as long as my partner thinks I'm attractive enough and can get it up or whatever, then I'm good. We've been conditioned to think that our desirability is measured by another person. So the more that person wants us, then we're good to go. But really it's the, how much do I want myself? How much can I see that I'm a sexually attractive and appealing human being? So we're never meant to negate that relationship to ourselves. It's really when we have a kind of partnership that is love, shining our light for the world to see, where we are able to be in our divinity, that when we have sex with another person, who's also able to be in their divinity, that we can then experience the divine. But as you said, I mean, that's like a needle in a haystack. Is that really what I'm going to spend my life waiting for? Hell no! 

There are so many ways in which we can experience sexual pleasure and mutual pleasure that the key in that for single people who really just want a sexual relationship, because maybe that's all they can manage at the moment. Then it's not just holding out and waiting. It's the, I know myself well enough. I know exactly what I want. I'm living my purpose. So this kind of connection is not going to throw me off because I'm not going to trick myself into believing that I love this person and that they love me, and that because we're sleeping together, it should be something else, cause that's what we end up doing because we're so wired for it, right? I mean, yes, the dopamine connection aside that tells us that we love the person, but that in order to have sex, to be able to do that, then they should be if anything, the potential one. But ultimately it's not about that. It's the, I'm the one I am my own one. I'm living my life. So whoever I choose to share my bed with for a night or more, it's my choice and we're choosing it together.

Your generation suffers most because you really are the in-between generation where you've had to come in and question everything that you had witnessed and been taught, yet you couldn't really manifest that new reality and so you just got stuck in that in-between. Whereas the younger generations will not have that experience. They will be able to navigate relationships more fluidly as we see that they already do, which is why we have this particular episode. Because while it doesn't feel natural to you, relationships are always meant to be fluid. And while it would be magical for them to appear in ways in which it did for some of the older generation where you just meet one day and that's it, and that's kismet, your relationship isn't necessarily meant to be that. Your generation is meant to make relationships much more intentional, and that's not easy because it does demand that level of vulnerability. It's to say, I want and I need to be loved. That all you learned along the way was to do that made you desperate and sad and only seem to further your aloneness.

Many of you have not learned to break out of that mold. Then what do you do? First of all, you make a deliberate choice and be very clear. This is what I want. You know, I do really want relationship because I know that I really want to share my life with somebody. Not everybody, like you said, really wants to make that choice. They're either afraid to own it because they don't think it will happen, or they actually really don't want it but they think they're supposed to want it. And so everybody's really all over the place with relationship because they just don't know.

Rhea: So it's about making an intention?

Liz: A clear intention, and I don't mean like a manifesting intention thing. It's the very clear intention. I know who I am. This is the choice I made because I know I am ready, and then very honestly saying, I am ready for something, not the, I am ready for the person of my life to walk through this door. It's the 'I just know I'm really ready'.

Rhea: And in the meantime though, if you want to have casual sex, have flings, have this stuff. It's okay. Or does it go against being ready?

Liz: No, it does not. Let's all be fair. That was true to a certain degree when we were playing in 3D polarity and separation, when we were so split and separate within ourselves that we needed ‘rules’ to get us what we wanted, to help bridge us from separation into something like love or that we would perceive as love, right? So that makes sense when we are coming from that space, but in fifth dimensional oneness consciousness, we can know ourselves so fucking well. We can be so tuned into our purpose, to who we are, to what we want, to our reason for being, that I know that this weekend I could really just use a nice sexual connection.